I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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