whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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