i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
