Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
