Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
