I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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