Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Randomize
