Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
