apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
i think i have two assholes
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize
