Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
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