turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
