What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
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