Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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