I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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