Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
