seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
