This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
