I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
