im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
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