well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I'm both gender and math confused
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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