Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
