Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
