theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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