bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
