Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
from now on my penis is your penis
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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