You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Randomize
