i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
