Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
