I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
