Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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