I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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