just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Randomize
