Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
