Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
You are the jesus of drinking
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Randomize
