I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
