she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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