you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
