I think i peed on brittanys purse
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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