my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
i drank out of a bidet.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
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