So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
