I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
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