matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize