You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
