News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
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