Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
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