I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
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