Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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