And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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