Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
it's not cheating when I paid for it
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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