yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Randomize
