Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
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