Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
