no but I have been chillin' like em' homeboys in the rainforest yo!
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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